How to Deal With Family Problems

Death, addiction, money troubles, mental illness, separation/divorce, and transitional adjustments all take a toll on the members of a family. During stressful events or when the family’s resources are severely taxed, problems may not be resolved easily. This may lead to hostile disagreements, tension, and resentment. Conflict in the family can affect everyone’s functioning. Handle your family problems by learning effective problem-solving skills.

Part 1

Developing Healthy Problem-Solving

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   Schedule a time to talk as a group. Facing and overcoming family problems can seem impossible. When you work together, however, resolving family differences becomes more feasible. The first step towards resolution is agreeing that there is a problem in the first place. Then, once tempers are moderately cooled, everyone needs to plan to come together and devise a strategy to resolve the problem.

   • Schedule a meeting at a time that is mostly convenient for everyone. Make everyone aware of the purpose of the meeting and that you want them to arrive with suggestions and solutions at the ready.
   • Be mindful that young children may be a hindrance to a family meeting. Huddle them in a separate room if you expect tempers to flair or sensitive information to be discussed.
   • Therapists often suggest holding regular family meetings.^[1] This tactic enables family members to bring issues out in the open before resentments develop. Talking with your family on a regular basis can improve communication and the bond that you share.
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   Focus on the issue at hand. When disagreements occur, people have a tendency to bring up any and every unresolved issue they have ever encountered with the other parties. This impedes conflict resolution and blurs the point of the discussion.^[2]

   • Strive to uncover what is actually important about the current problem. Building a case or bringing up old misdeeds will not assist you in resolving this issue.
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   Have everyone state what they truly mean. Direct communication is essential to effective conflict resolution. Each party should use “I” statements to clearly state your needs, wants, and concerns.^[3]

   • Remember, you are aiming to de-escalate the conflict and work towards a solution. Using “I” statements allows everyone to express themselves while showing respect for the others listening. Making an “I” statements allows each person to take ownership for what they are feeling, and suggest a remedy for the problem at the same time.
   • Examples of “I” statements include: “I am worried that our family is falling apart. I would like us to work things out.” or “I get scared when Dad drinks a lot because he starts yelling. I wish he could stop drinking”.^[4]
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   Listen without interrupting. To reach an agreement during a family conflict, listening is imperative. Only by actively listening to each party can you understand what he is trying to communicate. Active listening involves cuing in on the other person’s tone and body language, allowing him to speak without interruptions or remarks, and paraphrasing what was said afterwards to ensure you understood correctly.

   • Effective listening allows the other person to feel heard, motivates the other parties to want to listen to you, defuses arguments and strong emotions, and rebuilds the relationship during conflict.^[5]
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   Validate and show respect for each person’s point of view. Validation pertains to showing another that you recognize, value, and accept his thoughts, opinions, or beliefs.^[6] Of course, your own opinions may differ greatly, but using validation demonstrates that you see the other as a human, worthy of integrity and respect.^[7]

   • Validate your family members by saying something like “I’m really glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with me” or “I appreciate your willingness to work towards a solution”.
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   Decide on a solution together. Once everyone has shared their needs, wants, and concerns, then strive for a compromise. Consider all the suggestions that each party has provided and look for a middle ground. Everyone present should feel good about the proposed solution. If necessary, develop a contract or written agreement outlining how you will manage the problem.^[8]
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   Seek professional advice. If you cannot resolve the problem on your own, consult with a family therapist who can offer you practical advice about managing your family’s problem.^[9]

Part 2

Recognizing Communication Roadblocks

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   Be aware of how different family members may react to problems. One potential obstruction to conflict resolution in families is differences in how each member responds to stress or tension. These differences must be taken into account and everyone will have to consciously choose to face the issue in order to truly find a solution.^[10]

   • For some people, conflict causes them to become hostile and defensive. This is the “fight” aspect of the physiological “fight or flight” response. These individuals may argue endlessly to remove any responsibility from themselves, or refuse to hear others’ points-of-view.
   • Others resort to the “flight” aspect. These individuals may run from conflict at all cost. They may deny there’s a problem, or believe there’s nothing they can do to resolve it anyway. Such family members may pretend as if they don’t notice any tension in the household, or downplay its effect on them.
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   Acknowledge but get a handle on emotions. Emotional awareness is important in recognizing the unique experience of yourself and others. If you have trouble identifying how you feel, you will have trouble controlling your emotions or expressing your needs during conflict.^[11][12]

   • First work on trying to identify your emotions.^[13] Consider what thoughts you’re having, what you feel in your body, and what actions you want to take? For example, maybe you’re thinking “I hate this family.” Your fists are clenched and you want to punch something. Such a strong emotion could be labeled as anger or contempt.
   • Next, aim to control and ease these strong emotions so that you can effectively problem-solve. Depending on how you’re feeling participate in a complimentary activity to ease your discomfort. For example, if you are sad, you might want to watch a funny movie. If you are angry, it might be helpful to vent to a friend or engage in intense physical activity.
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   Resist the urge to point the finger. Accusing someone of being the cause of the problem will only result in the person becoming defensive, and otherwise, hindering a productive exchange. Always attempt to attack the problem, not the person. You can love, honor, and respect someone without liking every single thing he does. However, if you make your loved one out to be the blame of the issue, progressing beyond this point is difficult.^[14][15]

   • Using “I” statements is one of the best strategies to minimizing blame and subsequent defensiveness. Say “I fear that your addiction will lead to someone getting hurt” rather than “Addicts are just dangerous people to be around”.

Tips

• Your family consists of some of the most important relationships in your life. Having continuous conflict in this area can drastically affect your life satisfaction. If you cannot resolve family issues, seek professional help.